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Lonely Holiday?

♥ Remember It’s Just Another Day.

This has helped me when I have felt lonely, down or unable to participate in any holiday happiness. You are not alone.


Doing Life

There are more days than not that I come face to face with the matter of How I Do My Life and the confusion, frustration and disappointment that follows.

I am a loner and if neighbors were to be interviewed/ asked about the type of person I am, they would probably say something like; Stays to themselves, will say “hello” but keeps walking, quiet, rarely has any visitors.   Yikes! < That’s my response!  Why?   Constant news reporting of a mass killer in Aurora, Colorado last few days and those are the types of things who knew him are saying.   Those descriptions can be applied to a lot of people I am thinking,  that have no ill intent or  destruction plans.

I reflect on my life and how I do my life,  it has a lot to do with my personality, shame, poor self esteem (no matter how diligently I work on this), and family history.  There are times I wish I had a different life, was a different person/ personality, had less negative self beliefs, enjoyed life and other people more.  Therapy over my lifetime with a strong commitment to change and improvement has helped some but has not been able to touch me or reach me at my core.  A lonely sad soul

Loneliness in a group, within a one on one setting or any other variation and distrust.  When I look out I see other people as problematic, ready to ask something of me,  share their individually unique form of negativity, to drain me of what little life energy I am able to muster up.

Then there is the shift, when I work to change my attitude and force myself to see other’s as good, kind and possibly a future friend or colleague.  It takes a lot for me to do this and I find I feel better at the end of the day, until I begin to wonder which one of those that I offered a smile to was actually a child molester or some other type of societal demon which leaves me feeling sick.

We all do life in our own way.

When Alone Time Turns Bad – Memorial Day Weekend Approaching

Luxuriating in my solitude is comfortable, safe, happy and generally a good thing until it causes distress.   When alone time turns bad, anxiety and a real sense of loneliness engulfs my human existancel.

Thoughts of “who can I connect with, go do something with, get out of town with, chat with…” swirl like wicked flames in my mind as I realize how much effort I put into coveting my safe and easy solitary existance and  how much time I’ve actively avoided forming human face to face relationships.  Because they generally cause me grief and stress, how often I am actively not “being open and available” to others in order to remain sequestered in a zone of comfortable.  A lot of energy for results that can be distressing on bad days, welcomed on others. Confusing at times.

What I tend to do next,  jump online with a hint of urgency and check for any new emails, check twitter for any new mentions or interactions,  peek at facebook for any new posts or replies and in the end check the refridgerator for anything comforting to consume, that my calm my souls passing anguish.

These opposites don’t represent a daily internal struggle but when this internal conflict does pop up, I question:  myself, my happiness, my motives and needs, my future, my sanity.  I can’t help but wonder if anyone else shares this sense of craziness…

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