When we push ourselves out of our comfort zone,
that is supposed to be where real growth and life exists.
Part of my social anxiety now-a-days is partially fueled by the acknowledgement that yes, there are things wrong with me. Probably a personality disorder, anxiety, depression, at times avoidant, a people pleaser, some codependancy, abandonment and possibly bipolar issues. I know that many others share similar issues yet, I don’t necessarily want others to “find out” about my struggles. It keeps me in a reserved state, until I feel it is safe to come out and be more me.
I have slowly been getting to know two others as we meet a few mornings during the week and walk. This is not just a walk it also involves interacting with one another. Dare I say the word, socializing. One talks more, one is more guarded with her answers and there is me, listening and interjecting now and then. A topic that keeps coming up on each and every walk, is how to get more people to join us on our “walks”, an idea that does cause me to experience additional anxiety but, I consider it may have a positive outcome and I will have to adopt a “wait and see” attitude.
We talk (they talk and I mostly listen on this topic) of how many we (they) would ultimately like to join, not too many that it would feel like a crowd but more closer to the idea of 5-10 in total. The guarded one always, yes always, says she just doesn’t want anyone that’s not normal, how glad she is that we are normal. This word NORMAL seems to be the root of all her concerns. If she only knew…