This is what I’ve learned about someone close. Since the year that she turned 50 and found herself feeling alone and single, each morning was met not with gratitude but with dread as those first dawning thoughts encroached: I’m going to die soon.
Her family history of depression was not being managed well as the unopened bottles of antidepressant medications sat nearly forgotten tucked away in the linen closet.
Self loathing and negative self talk seemed to consume her yet, help was not something she wanted to pursue. I suggested this was her depression taking over but my words fell of deaf ears. She said she was not happy with her: self, station in life (living on disability), her smile (dental problems), unmanageable hair and coloring and negative personality. When with others, she told me she sometimes feels like she wants to be invisible and is more on the quiet side while comparing her life with theirs. I reminded her this is probably the depression working away at her.
Appearing tired, unhappy and reclusive, giving up on ever having a different kind of life than the one she is living now, I worry. I not only worry for her but many of these elements are present in my own life. The prospect of being an adult orphan, when no family members are left is also a common fear we share.