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Waking up 50 y.o.


This is what I’ve learned about someone close.  Since the year that she turned 50 and found herself feeling alone and single, each morning was met not with gratitude but with dread as those first dawning thoughts encroached:  I’m going to die soon.

Her family history of depression was not being managed well as the unopened bottles of antidepressant medications sat nearly forgotten tucked away in the linen closet.

Self loathing and negative self talk seemed to consume her yet, help was not something she wanted to pursue.  I suggested this was her depression taking over but my words fell of deaf ears.  She said she was not happy with her: self,  station in life (living on disability), her smile (dental problems), unmanageable hair and coloring and negative personality.  When with others, she told me she sometimes feels like she wants to be invisible and is more on the quiet side while comparing her life with theirs.  I reminded her this is probably the depression working away at her.

Appearing tired, unhappy and reclusive, giving up on ever having a different kind of life than the one she is living now, I worry.  I not only worry for her but many of these elements are present in my own life.   The prospect of being an adult orphan, when no family members are left is also a common fear we share.

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4 Comments

  1. Gosh this is so hard. Depression is a vicious cycle of not getting help because you are too depressed and then getting more depressed as a result. I always say to anyone like this to try to be kind on themselves, I think depression can leave you prone to giving in to worthless feelings too easily…

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  2. Being an adult orphan seems to be difficult at times, from what I’ve seen. My boyfriend lost his mother and an uncle he was close to in the past five years. He hasn’t seen his father in decades, so he feels like he doesn’t have much family anymore. I think the best way to cope is to create a new family through friendships or a spouse. His losses seem to affect him the most around the holidays, but he copes well, over all.
    As for the depression, I hope you and your friend will gradually feel much better again. I saw so many gray and black days that I thought would never end. It makes you feel doomed for the rest of your life, but now I know that’s not the case. I realized nothing bad lasts forever, and that includes depression.

    Reply

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