Struggling with my own bad behavior from the other day. It goes round and round in my head as I attempt to wrestle it away yet, there in the background it lingers.
There was a knock at my door, peering through the peep-hole I see a neighbor whom I detest. This neighbor refuses to follow community rules and social norms, never has their naughty little dog on a leash. Anyone and their pet is at risk of attack. They never apologize for their dog’s transgressions or their own relentless bad behavior and mistakes. They walk around with an ugly scowl and spooky stare. One time when I attempted to push aside my disdain to rise above and make conversation, they were stupid dismissive and mean. Previous passing encounters where I offered a friendly hello were met with no response only a glare. ( “They” is a female and male, she is in charge. )
With this person standing on the other side of my front door, I didn’t care to open and interact. I did not want to be disturbed. Through the closed door I asked what she wanted. She was selling something! I think, OMG you’ve got to be kidding! I told her, “Not interested” and returned to what I had been doing. A few minutes later there is another knock at my door. Feeling agitated, I looked out to find her there again. Anger rose inside me.
I flung the door open and with a ferocious scowl, brow in an unpleasant downward position and angry voice I growled, “What?!?” I see her visibly flinch. I think, Good she get’s that I don’t want her here. Obviously not opening the door the last time was not a clear message. Brief exchange of words and I slammed the door shut. My blood boiling at the audacity.
Later that evening I almost convinced myself to go to her home to apologize for my bad behavior, ultimately deciding against it. I do not want her at my door in the future. While two wrongs don’t make a right, her lack of concern over her own bad behavior and dog attacks I was not going to engage with her any further. Sure what I am concerned about is her sharing her negative experience with my other surrounding neighbors and her retaliation (rumors about her vandalizing a neighbors car a few months back).
Possibly this nagging issue would dissipate if I had or would apologize but I don’t want to open that door, preferring to keep a big thick heavy wall up between us. There is a part of me that feels bad for making her flinch, that I scared her.