Damaged Soul


It has been my fault that when I meet new people I have practiced viewing  them as good, kind and somewhat on a pedestal.  I read or heard somewhere, strangers are just friends you have not yet met.  Both ideas have failed me time and time again.

Admiration and holding a new friend as dear and close to my heart leads to disappointment as they eventually reveal their human qualities and hurt or offend.  It is from this point their fall from the pedestal disappoints and moves them from close and dear to now being regarded only at arm’s length, with alerts and alarms at the ready.  Unsafe.  The further out and away from me they descend as transgressions continue to occur, as their human-ness continues to reveal itself…

Until one day they are no longer an element (of pain, disappointment)  in my life.   I recognize my own faults, misspoken words and unintentional harm caused.  Perfectionism my burden.

The problem with this is I have ended up alone. distrustful as ever and can clearly see the error of my ways long ago yet, was unable to master change.   Unforgiving of self and others, a damaged wounded soul.

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6 Comments

  1. Hey, twin. I totally relate. I used to hate people so badly (now I’m not so extreme with my hate) because I was absolutely sick of being used and tossed aside by “friends.” I didn’t want to let anyone in my life to avoid future pain and disappointment. I wasn’t sure I could handle it again. But as time passed and I rose out of my depression, I realized I wanted only high-quality relationships and wouldn’t settle for bullshit from mediocre people again. I think the key is to be friendly and not initially judge someone as good or bad, but be very selective. I have very, very few people in my life right now, but I only want the best relationships that make me feel valued, and that’s what I have. I want something super meaningful when it comes to a friendship, and I’m not sure a lot of people feel the same way or else they wouldn’t easily hurt and discard their friends. Maybe most of my views and preferences have something to do with being an introvert. Would you agree with any of that?

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  2. I agree and understand what you are saying. Perhaps it would be easier to be friendly without being trusting? Allowing people in doesn’t mean you have to give them keys to your soul. I sometimes feel the same way you do and I have learned not too be trusting, but to be friendly. does that make sense?

    Reply
  3. lilmisspumpkin

     /  September 5, 2012

    Its hard after being hurt or betrayed to want to let people in your life. This weekend I had someone really hurt me/ betray me and it really hardens you to people. It has you react in ways you wouldn’t normally to people that haven’t even hurt you yet, because you wonder when its going to happen, not if.

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