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Doing Life


There are more days than not that I come face to face with the matter of How I Do My Life and the confusion, frustration and disappointment that follows.

I am a loner and if neighbors were to be interviewed/ asked about the type of person I am, they would probably say something like; Stays to themselves, will say “hello” but keeps walking, quiet, rarely has any visitors.   Yikes! < That’s my response!  Why?   Constant news reporting of a mass killer in Aurora, Colorado last few days and those are the types of things who knew him are saying.   Those descriptions can be applied to a lot of people I am thinking,  that have no ill intent or  destruction plans.

I reflect on my life and how I do my life,  it has a lot to do with my personality, shame, poor self esteem (no matter how diligently I work on this), and family history.  There are times I wish I had a different life, was a different person/ personality, had less negative self beliefs, enjoyed life and other people more.  Therapy over my lifetime with a strong commitment to change and improvement has helped some but has not been able to touch me or reach me at my core.  A lonely sad soul

Loneliness in a group, within a one on one setting or any other variation and distrust.  When I look out I see other people as problematic, ready to ask something of me,  share their individually unique form of negativity, to drain me of what little life energy I am able to muster up.

Then there is the shift, when I work to change my attitude and force myself to see other’s as good, kind and possibly a future friend or colleague.  It takes a lot for me to do this and I find I feel better at the end of the day, until I begin to wonder which one of those that I offered a smile to was actually a child molester or some other type of societal demon which leaves me feeling sick.

We all do life in our own way.

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12 Comments

  1. Honestly it is refreshing to read what you have written. Sometimes it is so tiresome to read peppy energetic…go go go stuff. I like people, but there is a limit.

    Reply
    • I loved your comment, thank you! I really don’t want to be ALL doom and gloom but there are times when it’s time to be honest. 🙂

      Reply
  2. There’s a book you might enjoy called “Party of One: The Loners’ Manifesto.” I finally got hold of a copy and am anxious to start reading it. It’s basically about loners/introversion and how a predominantly extroverted world doesn’t value or understand the introverted lifestyle. I’m also guilty of holding a pessimistic outlook on society, but I’m sure that’s something I will have to work on once I get into social work. For me, I’ve always loved helping but have never liked people too much.

    Reply
    • Sounds so familiar the paradigm helping others versus not really liking people – you may be my twin

      Reply
      • Good to know that someone else understands! For people who really truly know me, they can’t help but wonder why I would choose a career in social work. I may not like most, but it hasn’t taken away my capacity to care deeply.

        Reply
  3. thanks for sharing this.

    Reply
  4. the only thing that is holding you back is your self, let go and simply live….

    Reply

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