Watching a father and son mend their fractured relationship while running a restaurant on a t.v. show brought tears to my eyes. The grown son didn’t feel ” good enough ” for his father’s praise or acknowledgement. How many of us have experienced this? I have and with my father now gone, it is too late.
I threw away the then painful relationship I had with my father. I threw him away. While he was living, he was essentially dead to me. He had no way to get in touch with me, not that he ever phoned or mailed me anything. I exiled him to the pile of hurtful people who didn’t deserve to be part of my life, any longer. It is a sad commentary, that I now sit alone.
My tears for the t.v. show father and son were both happiness for them and self-pity for my loss.
Looking back nearly a 30 years, I see he was a tortured soul himself. If only I had known this, understood this as a child his cruelty may have hurt a little less. May be I could have helped him as I grew into adulthood. I wish I had better understood, had more insight, offered more compassion, been more loving.
I’m sorry Dad, that I couldn’t be there for you especially in the end. Yet, I can’t help longing for the supportive and loving father I wish I’d had.