Suicidal Ideation


These are more like suicidal fantasies or passing thoughts of not wanting to be alive.  Not actively or actually suicidal.  At least that’s how I understand it.

I think about this later, or last half, of my life and how the Exit will go.  Will it be peaceful, natural and while I am asleep or fear filled and panicky at the end?  I worry it will be the latter.  I think that when I am done living my life, probably diagnosed with some terrible life threatening and painful disease how it would be better to take my own life than suffer while all alone.

I can visualize taking pills and drifting off and away BUT, at the last minute before sleep steals me I have a change of heart as fear bursts forth.  I am afraid.  Will I be able to phone for help?  I can visualize a gun and maybe pulling the trigger yet,  chicken out.  Or worse, merely cause brain damage and continue living in a severely compromised state.

I worry about timing.  The possibility of having a stroke and not being able to be in charge of ending my own life causes me distress.   Living when all my relatives have already passed, alone and sad makes me cry when I think of this.

And another day comes to pass with all my worries and fears still in tact.  I think that is Anxiety.

We have compassion for our pets who are suffering and we can put them to “sleep” to end their suffering.  This should be extended to humans, don’t you think?

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