Luxuriating in my solitude is comfortable, safe, happy and generally a good thing until it causes distress. When alone time turns bad, anxiety and a real sense of loneliness engulfs my human existancel.
Thoughts of “who can I connect with, go do something with, get out of town with, chat with…” swirl like wicked flames in my mind as I realize how much effort I put into coveting my safe and easy solitary existance and how much time I’ve actively avoided forming human face to face relationships. Because they generally cause me grief and stress, how often I am actively not “being open and available” to others in order to remain sequestered in a zone of comfortable. A lot of energy for results that can be distressing on bad days, welcomed on others. Confusing at times.
What I tend to do next, jump online with a hint of urgency and check for any new emails, check twitter for any new mentions or interactions, peek at facebook for any new posts or replies and in the end check the refridgerator for anything comforting to consume, that my calm my souls passing anguish.
These opposites don’t represent a daily internal struggle but when this internal conflict does pop up, I question: myself, my happiness, my motives and needs, my future, my sanity. I can’t help but wonder if anyone else shares this sense of craziness…